Bursting

I felt like I would burst.

Think about this reality:

God is the most creative, most loving Being in all eternity.

He made us all the way through, not just in a factory as a rich, uninterested boss giving orders.  He formed and molded each of us individually in our mother's womb, choosing which unique parts of His image He wanted to reflect in each one of us, and He brought us life by breathing His very breath into us.  (Psalm 139:13-18)

Genesis 2:7

"Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being."

Do you think the most creative, loving Being in all of eternity would expect repetitive, half-hearted motions?  We ought to view God not as a judgmental master requiring servitude but as a loving Father, a wise friend.

I will not deny that traditional church services are meaningful for some people.  My grandparents are two incredibly faithful followers of Christ, and they attend a traditional church.  But personally, I have a hard time finding passion in it.  I would rather have quiet time for reflection on the message than repeating the same incantations week after week, for example, even if they are words of Truth.  I just lose focus.  In the message/sermon, I believe God wants to challenge us with His word and help us grow to be more like Him, which is not easy.  I would rather the sermon make me question some of my beliefs or behaviors than vaguely feel good.  (See Lottie's blog that I read yesterday, http://inspirationbytruth.wordpress.com/2013/11/24/the-purpose-of-church/ ).  When the pastor said, "please stand," I wanted to sing, "I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all, I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to you surrendered, all I am is Yours!"  I am passionately in awe and love with my Savior, and I want to worship Him passionately in Spirit and Truth and hear Him speak to me through His Word.

I truly believe God gives me ideas to write these blogs.  I pray that I'm not writing in vain.

Today I flipped through my notebook and found notes from an awesome worship service at Harvest Bible Chapel on December 8^th.  I think God intended for me to see it and mention it here.

Isaiah 40:(10)-11 shows that God's love is tender.

"See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power,
    and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
    and his recompense accompanies him.

11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
    He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
    he gently leads those that have young."

We are the lambs, and God is the Shepherd.  The Pastor had said, "You don't carry someone close to your heart if you don't love them and want to have a relationship with them."  God wants that with us.  :)  He could have saved us at arm's length, just speaking the word and defeating death somehow.  But instead, God chose to be just AND intensely personal - He laid aside immortality and became a man in His Son, Jesus.  He chose mortality, and even death, to relate to humans and our weaknesses on every level and justly die in our place.  Ah!  Isn't this significant to you!?  All people would die and suffer eternally, For-e-ver, but Jesus died in our place and instead CONQUERED the power of sin and death For-e-ver when we rose again to new life!  All we have to do is trust in Him - to accept that we need Him and that He did this for us.  And we're free!  We're saved from eternal death and given eternal life after we die (our earthly death).

But more than that!  He didn't stop there.  He remembered His Isaiah 40:11 love for us.  He could still be some CEO-type god giving orders and saying, "yeah, I guess I'll save my people, why not."  Not in the least.  Once Jesus ascended to heaven, God gave us His Holy Spirit so He can now not only live beside us on earth, but within us!  Within each of our hearts, in an infinite number of places at one time - ALWAYS with us! - if we only let Him!  We can live FULL lives guided by God literally every single step of the way!!!

Doesn't this incite a little bit of passion in you?  If you believe it, but you don't feel any passion, I would encourage you to take that thought to God in prayer.  Job spoke honestly to God about his frustrations in Job 7:11.  God already knows and understands all our thoughts and feelings perfectly - He is with us, and He was a man! (Hebrews 4:15-16).  But God loves to hear from us - to feel us want to initiate conversation with Him, as a child to his or her parents, as a friend to a wise friend.  Jesus Himself chose to pray often - and He was One with God! (Philippians 2:6)

So, as I got in my car after church this morning, feeling a little disheartened and empty ... God showed up in a very obvious way.

KLOVE radio aired part of the Hillsong conference in LA!  The worship band and pastors told of the message behind an amazing song called "Oceans" (that I first heard last summer from Kelsey Kraus, who is leaving tomorrow for a year on the World Race mission! http://kelseykraus.theworldrace.org/) and preached some encouraging TRUTH and testimony.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" - Hillsong United

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace < like Isaiah 40:11!
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

They talked about trusting God, because He has more in store for us than we ever could have imagined. (Ephesians 3:20)  If we knew everything that would happen in our future, what would be the point of faith?  Faith would be superficial.  Trusting God through periods of unknown can bring GREAT blessings and closeness to God.  I read this in Job the other day too - knowing God is better than knowing why.  God is enough.  (Job lost everything in his life but God, and God never explained to him why it all happened.  Yet, God was faithful and gave him a restored, bountiful life down the road). (John 10:10)  On the other hand, if we only stay in our safe comfort zones where life is easy ... will we really experience 1) the great gifts God wants to bring in our lives and 2) the important work of serving the world's needs and telling people about LIFE in Christ in which God chooses you to join Him?

One member of Hillsong gave a powerful testimony from his life: he was living a great, happy life, but he visited NY and felt God calling him to start a church there.  He knew it was what God wanted, so he made the decision easily.  He moved there, got started ... but only felt single, lonely, and uncertain in his trust in God. ... A few years later, he married "the most beautiful, wonderful woman" and has experienced soooo much of God's great work through his time in NY.  God is faithful!  Even when we don't fully understand His ways! 

Tears were rolling down my face at this point.  :)

Don't fall short of God's purposes for you just because you're too afraid to go, ... or even before that, too afraid to look to God ... to ask ... to see what He might be calling you to. 
Commit to the mystery.  (I love how they worded this).

Here's where it gets real, for me.
As I felt the Spirit stir me to write this blog today and prayed for His words to speak through mine, I felt God telling me to let you, the readers of my blog, read the pages of my heart.  Wooie!  So this one's close to home, but in suuuch a cool way.  God has been molding my heart over time, especially over the last four years, to give up more and more of my control and my plans to His greater plans, in order for me to learn how to trust Him at an even greater level.  My senior year of high school, I thought I wanted to study Journalism or English in college, but I also loved music and wanted to continue playing.  Through prayerful consideration and the "vibe" I got on campus visits, I truly felt like UNI was the place for me.  BUT here's the catch - UNI doesn't even have a Journalism major.  Maybe I should go to U of I, but I loved UNI so much more ... God, I'm trusting You...  Fast-forward.  Freshman year at UNI, double-majoring in Music and English, loving every minute of it ... except my English class ... I love writing, but man, we have to read a lot, and eww I haaate essay tests! ... wait, if I'm an English major, maybe I should like those things ... but I looove my music classes... what could I do with it? ...  For the first time in my life, I considered Music Education.  I love kids, I love music, I wanted to be a teacher since 1st grade, until I changed my mind to want to write. ... It makes sense, really!  I think in high school I just thought "it would be dorky" to be a band teacher.  Haha.  I changed my major second semester after praying about it constantly ... but I still doubted it.  I thought God wanted me to do Music Ed - He was definitely the One to plant that idea in my head, ... but did He really know what He was doing...?  (HA I look back at this with so much joy, because God knows me sooooo much better than I know myself.  It's like when you finally admit that your parents are right about something they've told you for years.  I give.  Haha).  :)

By junior year, I could confidently say I was a music ed major, and by senior year fall, I was convinced.  There was still moments of, "Lord, what am I doing?  Can I really keep a class of 50 kids with noise-makers under control ... and teach them something?!"  But now I just completed my student teaching, and I absolutely LOVED it.  I had to rely on God's strength and wisdom every single day - I still don't feel "comfortable" with teaching every day, but every day is an adventure, and I learn, get to know the kids and teachers, and love it so much.  I have grown in so many ways that may not have happened in a different situation.  I'm sooo glad I didn't stick with my idea, the English major.  But rewind.  Where did this confidence come from?  (God).  (Sunday School answer.  A+).  Ha.  Well, yes, but He led me through a series of paths to get there!  I felt a super strong godly desire to work at Riverside Bible Camp the summer after my sophomore year to minister to kids and show them the JOY of living for God.  It was INCREDIBLE.  I had to rely on God in ways I never knew before, but I felt His love and community stronger than I EVER had before.  I loved counseling campers each week!!  And hey, this now counts as related job experience!  Ha!  God is good!  I would consider paying to work there.  The next summer, I was asked to be a Day Camp Leader ... and I prayed about it A TON ... but I didn't feel like I got a direct answer ... so I turned it down, because I really wanted to be a senior counselor again.  It was another fabulous summer ... but I always kind of wondered if I had said "no" to an opportunity from God.  Guess what?  Our perfect, patient God gave me another offer to be a Day Camp Leader the next summer --- this role requires a lot more leadership, decision-making, and less time in fellowship with the whole staff on-site, because we took day camps out to churches throughout Iowa.  I didn't know if I could lead that well yet --- but I knew God could, through me, and if it was what He wanted, I would not miss another chance!  I said Yes, and I grew in confidence and leadership sooo much.  I later saw how it helped immensely with student teaching.  God knew best.

So after trusting God with some of those things, (rewind to Fall 2012), I wondered if I would ever be willing to go if God called me to do something "big".  I heard the song "Reckless" by Jeremy Camp, which talks about going fearlessly wherever God leads, because His way is best.  In the past, I always hoped God wouldn't want me to travel overseas long-term or be a missionary or anything ... because I loved serving and living here in the US.  But I slowly opened my mind to possibilities ... whatever God wanted me to do.  I talked with some trusted friends about the future ... what if God wanted me to teach overseas?  What if God does want me to pursue music performance, like a couple professors mentioned, even though I really want to teach?  What if God called me to move far away ... would I be willing to go?  A mentor's advice was this:  pray for God to open doors where He wants you to go and even put stumbling blocks in the way of things He doesn't want you to do.  He will show You His will for you; don't worry.

And ha, I guess I found out quick!  January, 2013.  Professors from other universities heard me play solos at a music festival at UNI.  I take no credit for what happens next.  I just wanted to play music because God gave me this gift to glorify Him and serve His people.  He has something in store.  It's all Him, for some greater good!  I was offered a scholarship to pursue a masters degree in music ... in New Mexico!!  My first response - WOW.  Now what?  My second response - oh man, now I have a huge decision to make!  I just want to teach kids!  I mean, I do love playing, but ... (stress) Third response. - You know what??  This could be really exciting!  And I can still teach and play and ...  ...  
I prayed like crazy and talked to people I trusted, and I realized how it was answered prayer, and truly an open door from God.  I decided to take the opportunity!

Soooo, zoom to present day.  In one short week, I leave for New Mexico!  I can hardly believe it.  Part of me still fears leaving all my loved ones here, not getting a "real job" until I'm 24, not being able to find a teaching job with a masters and no experience ... but hey.  I trust that if the God of the universe called me there, He has a great plan for His Glory, and my career and future are under His control.  I know that He knows me better than I know myself, and He has ideas so great that I could never dream them up!  I certainly don't want to regret not taking this opportunity.  (And God's been working on my heart a long time - BECAUSE of the Day Camp Leader experience, I was way more willing to say yes to this!)


So, the message I heard in the car today reeeaaally spoke to my heart.  "You've never failed and You won't start now"!  I also heard the song "Banner of Love" by Luminate when I got home, and I love it.  I don't know all of God's plans for my future or even for my home church, but I trust the One who knows!!! 


Lastly, I want to leave you with this:
I have started reading Job as part of the chronological plan to read the Bible in a year.  Scholars think Job lived around the same time as Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, before the Law was written down or priests were appointed by God.  The father of the house was seen to be the religious leader of the family.  Job chose to offer sacrifices to God for the sins of himself and his family.  But here's the part written in a note in my Bible that stood out to me:  "Job did this out of conviction and love for God, not just because it was his role as head of the house.  Do you carry out your spiritual duties because they are expected, or spontaneously from a heart of conviction?"

Do you?  Do you want to love and serve in return because you know God gave everything to have you?  Or is it just routine or forced, or oppositely, doing only what's comfortable?

The choice is yours.  Will you live life passionately and make the most of it?  Enjoy the free life God gave you amongst all His blessings?

Will you let go and let Him lead you to a place "where your trust is without borders" so that you can in fact "walk upon the water wherever He will call" you?

I'm sorry if I make this sound easy.  Truly.  I need to take this advice too, every day.  For all of the good things that have happened in my life, I give God the credit.  Commit to God's mystery - don't miss out on even a SECOND of what great things God has in store for you, His purposes for your life, AND to make an eternal difference in the lives of others.

Let's go.  :)