After living in the Southwest for almost five months, I’ve noticed that people here seem to be a lot more open, honest, vocal, than where I grew up in Iowa. It could just be grad school, but I think it’s more a part of the “laid-back culture.” I find myself thinking, Wow, are we really talking about this? Haha!
Honestly though, I love it. I think it’s much easier to form
relationships when you’re willing to express yourself, share your opinions, and
simply be honest. And there’s less fear
of passive aggressiveness or manipulation – everyone just says what they
think. I suppose that could backfire (if
speaking before thinking), but the groups I’ve found have been really
accepting, not taking things too personally or judging, and it inspires in us
confidence to just be who we are.
* * *
Recently, a lot of my friends
have been looking into the “Five Love Languages” and taking the online quiz (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)
to see in which way they feel loved and show love to others. If you’ve never heard of them, you should
check out the website – I find it interesting!
Sometimes it can explain what things mean a lot to you, what things
hurt, and the reasons behind some of your reactions.
The Five Love Languages are Words
of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time, and Receiving
Gifts. Just think- which one do you
think makes you feel the most loved? I
love the little descriptions on the website – especially after you take the
quiz and click “unsure of your results?” and it gives little scenarios – HA so
true. Anyway-
A few of my closest friends have
Quality Time (QT) as their primary love language. Awesome, right? They feel loved just by spending time with
people! Every love language seems to have
strengths and weaknesses, especially when interacting with others with
different love languages. For example,
if someone cancels or reschedules plans with a QT person, that sometimes makes
them feel unloved, unworthy of someone else’s time … even though it might’ve
been nothing. Or if you’re texting while
hanging out with a QT friend and don’t give them your full attention, or if you
invite lots of other people to come to the hang-out too, it might not show love
to the QT person as much.
That’s just an example, because I
have experienced some of those things firsthand.
Though QT and Physical Touch tied
for a close second, my primary love language is Words of Affirmation. Aka Words of Encouragement. Compliments.
When I first took the quiz, I felt a tiny bit bad…. So I need people to tell me I’m nice or pretty or funny in order to
feel loved? Lame! But I realized that every love language is
good, and different, and that’s great!
For me, it means the WORLD if someone makes me a homemade card, or looks
me in the eyes and tells me I performed well or am a good friend or something …
I was that kid that LOVED yearbook-signing at the end of the school year, to
see the funny memories and momentos from friends … but also to be built up, to
feel valuable and loved.
I do absolutely LOVE quality time
with friends. That is the best! But some of things I remember most are the
words my friends and family have spoken to me.
Whether they mean it to be impactful or not, I remember the
encouragement—just the other day, a friend said to me, “Yeah! Anyone can come to these parties, and it’s
totally fine if you join us- people
like you.” Aww, really?! My bus driver
told me, “You are so bubbly, and you light up the room whenever you walk
in!” :)
A QT friend might think, Sweet! Thanks! and move on. But I remember the words. Also, if I haven’t seen a friend in a long
time, but they call me and we still have a great conversation and encourage
each other, I typically feel great about our friendship, even if we haven’t physically
seen each other in months.
Reversely, the way you receive
love is also often the way you show it most to others. I LOVE writing people thank-you notes or
cheering people up when they’ve had a bad day. …or writing blog posts!... Because words mean a lot to me, I LOVE encouraging
my friends too. I realized I often
compliment people subconsciously – I guess that’s sort of how my brain and
heart are wired. A couple weeks ago at
church, I took a spiritual gifts quiz, and “encourager” is actually one of my
spiritual gifts too! – cool how that connects!
(See Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12, Ephesians 4.)
* * *
Yet here, my friend, is the
drawback of feeding on words of affirmation.
(Like I said, I think every love language has a weakness.) [Sidenote- it was eye-opening one time when
my best high-school friend said, “I think our biggest strength can also be our
greatest weakness. I love getting real
with people, opening up about the vulnerable stuff, but it’s also hard for me
to open up with new people. For you, you
are incredible at encouraging other people, but then you also need
encouragement/affirmation in return, right?”
Right!]
Two problems
1)
If I
don’t get any words of encouragement for a while, maybe just because it doesn’t
come up or something, sometimes I question if I’m doing the right thing or if
I’m worth it or if people truly like me as a friend (don’t worry- I’m not
usually that insecure, but sometimes it pops up!) I always feel like I need reassurance before I can make a big decision … or even
somewhat smaller ones. “Mom, are you sure I should buy this shirt? It’s kind of expensive…” “I don’t know where I should go to
college! [So-and-so] said I should go
[here] but [other so-and-so] said I shouldn’t…” --- Bottom line: Sometimes I let
other people’s words and opinions have too
much value. Or you know, non-
Words of Aff people may spout something out that they don’t really mean, and it
could hurt. That hit me hard in middle
school. Now I’m a lot better at
recognizing if they really mean it and brushing things off, and that’s only one
person’s opinion anyway… hold that thought – I’ll come back to it.
2)
Second problem: If someone gives me a basket-full of words of
encouragement … sometimes my heart responds by saying, “I LIKE YOU!!!” … even
if they don’t mean anything beyond a simple compliment, or if I don’t “like
like” them as much as I like the act of being loved … which can apply to
any love language BY the way… People
like attention. It’s human nature. If someone looks me in the eye and says, “Steph. Wow, you’ve got this. You’ve got a heart to teach kids, which is so
cool. Keep doing what you’re
doing.” I remember that. Snapshot.
Hang it on the wall. Ah “he likes
me”! … but not necessarily…
Here’s the verdict, friends. Words are great, and I’m so excited that
encouraging can be both my love language and one of my spiritual gifts. BUT I’ve learned, the hard way and the easy
way, you can’t let other people define
your worth. For good or for bad! And it’s not worth it to live your life just
to please other people, or to get a good response from them.
How overwhelming that would be,
to constantly fight to act just the right way in each situation, the way those
certain people you’re around expect you to act in order to win their
approval. For what gain? The world’s affirmation? Obviously every friendship involves a little
give and take, compromise, but don’t change who you truly are just to fit in or
be built up by the people around you.
“Am I now
trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?”
“What good
will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his
soul?” – Matthew 16:26
As friends, we should also try to
become aware of our friends’ love languages and show we care about them in ways
that are meaningful to them, as well as ways that are meaningful to us. I promise you it will bless you in return. Make dinner for someone (acts of service), or
call an old friend just to talk (QT).
Buy a loved one flowers for no reason (gifts), write an encouraging note
on the fridge for your roommate (words), or give a hug (touch). I LOVE that whenever we give of ourselves
selflessly, especially to love another, we are blessed in return. For us words of aff people, Ephesians 4:29 comes to mind … “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out
of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to
their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Don’t let harsh words or ignoring someone destroy a friendship. Even if the statement, “Sticks and stones may
break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is true for you, words can be
powerful, so use them wisely. :)
* * *
I have been thinking about
writing this blog post for a long time. God
has revealed to me the pros and cons of my love language, with emphasis on the
unfortunate connections between words of aff and people-pleasing. My worth comes from God, not man. I should not live to please people at the
expense of not pleasing the one true God.
And you know what else? My worth
doesn’t even come from what I do or did or didn’t do; I am worth dying for, I
am worth God’s time and love simply because He created me, He loves me, He died
for me. AND THAT SAME TRUTH IS TRUE FOR
YOU TOO! What a gift!! Even if a friend betrays you, if someone
never gives you an explanation for their wrong actions, if someone never
apologizes or forgives you … you will be ok, you are loved, you are
strengthened, and you can move forward, because the God who created the world AND
every hair on your head loves you more than you could ever know and gives you a
life with a particular purpose- one He trusts you to complete. Will you accept His love and take His offer? He has SO much LIFE to offer you, true life, the
best you could have imagined, if you only give your trust to Him and let Him
work in your life and heart. He MADE
your heart – He knows it perfectly and wants to bless you. If that’s the case, why should anyone’s
opinions of you matter more than God’s??
God wants to call you a beloved son or daughter of the King. Will you let Him?
“So God
created man in His own [perfect] image, in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them. … God saw all that He had made, and it was very good.” – Genesis 1:27, 31A
^ You are very good, just the way you are, just as God created you
to be! You are already worthy because
God makes you worthy. He made you worthy
when He died in your place and now sees Christ and not your sin when He looks at
you. How amazing! You don’t need people to tell you you are
worthy. It’s nice, but it shouldn’t
become the idol that you live for.
“Am I now
trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were
still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” – Galatians
1:10
I wasn’t thinking of including
this next verse, but I came across it when I was reading this morning, and I
think it also connects to the danger of living only to please people: “Then
Saul said to Samuel, ‘I have sinned. I
violated the Lord’s command and your instructions. I was afraid
of the people and so I gave in to them.” – 1 Samuel 15:24
A final passage on the power of
words and the wildness of the “tongue” is in James 3:5-11.
* * *
Conclusion.
Words, words, words … explains
why I love blogging, word games (bananagrams is my friends’ and my latest
obsession!), or why I have used up fifty prayer journals, or my need to
document everything from daily highlights to to-do lists to weekly meals, or
the reason my dumb-phone’s text-message inbox was always full … gotta save the
nice or memorable ones! Heehee. Find out your love language, and then make
the most of it! Go LOVE!
Great post (feel encouraged and loved by this comment).
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